For some the term “etiquette” does little more than conjure up laughable visions of white-gloved, tea-toddling, blue-haired ladies, relaxing in a Victorian style parlor as they chit-chat and exchange their versions of the latest rumors.   For others it has been known to induce a cold sweat, as they face absolute humiliation as a result of their inexperience with the many utensils adorning a multiple course meal in an upscale restaurant. For numerous others, it is simply a bother: another set of rules meant to squelch one’s freedom of expression and to prove the snobbery of snobs, who, obviously, are the only ones who actually give a damn.

It is, no doubt, impressions such as these, which have led not only to the near demise of proper etiquette in the bulk of society, but to a dread of and blatant disregard for decorum itself.  So few people actually understand it.  So few even bother, even the pretentious ones who feign familiarity.   It’s a pity, really. If people simply took the time to address the issue of manners and to educate themselves, they would soon discover that it is truly a beautiful practice, like the pleasant background music accompanying a romantic drama. 

Etiquette is more than just knowing what fork to use when or understanding who gets introduced to whom according to age, sex and rank.  When one looks beyond the silliness it seems to be at first glance, remaining still and humble enough to soak in the magnificence of it all, one is able to appreciate that etiquette is a deeper reality.

This author would venture to define etiquette, in simple terms, as a form of respect for all “others” who, with us, walk the face of this Earth and who are most deserving of our respect as human beings regardless of age, sex, race or class.  Proper manners set the stage for social interaction. They serve to make everyone comfortable, not to predetermine events or to paint them rosy, but to enable us to painlessly navigate through the technical aspects of what to do when and with whom, leaving us free to be ourselves and to enjoy the company of others, avoiding misunderstanding, offense, and argument. After all, it would be foolish and downright confusing to participate in a game without knowing the rules, wouldn’t it? How would the other players feel? What of this game called life?

That’s said, I’d like to address an everyday matter of etiquette that most of us encounter on a pretty regular basis: invitations.  Celebration is a fact of life. Thank goodness for that.   As social beings we gather to rejoice in life’s high points: the marriage of a man and woman, the birth of a child, birthdays, a new home, or the greatness friends.  There are so many reasons that we come together.  Invitations are a mundane part of the process.  

While I am certainly no etiquette guru myself, the stupidity with which some people handle invitations, both hosts and potential guests, never ceases to amaze me.   I have often to chuckle and now, even blog, of the blunders involved in the course of inviting and being invited, for humor is the only way in which to deal with other peoples’ rudeness, isn’t it?  It becomes none of us to walk around constantly pissed off because we can’t deal with the impoliteness of others. Does it? What’s most interesting is that persons who hold themselves in high regard are oft the culprits of said faux pas. That is, to say, if they are indeed, unintentional mishaps of their ignorance rather than purposefully malicious attempts at manipulation.   One never knows, now, does one?   

In any case, I’d like to present the following scenarios to readers one and all.  Tell me, What Would You Do?  

Scenario #1: The Children’s Various Celebrations

You enjoy celebrating your little ones’ birthdays, baptisms, etc. with grandeur.  You like to make a bash of it, to surround your babies with relatives and friends, sharing good food and a lot of fun.  You, therefore, invite relatives and friends both local and from out of town: even the relatives who are anything but friendly.  Some of them, while they expect you to pack it in and travel with babies in tow for their events and to open your guest room to them whenever they are passing through town, are not willing to make the journey and respond with regrets.  Others don’t even bother to RSVP. Some of those others actually show. Some of them don’t. Some who weren’t invited to begin with show up too! In planning future parties you…

(a) Stick to inviting the locals. You simply cannot and should not have any expectation that people who live but a short car trip away would use their vehicles to travel to anything involving your children.

(b) Decide not have parties at all, after all, these out-of-towners are so very important to the existence of humankind, that you just can’t hold a celebration without them. 

Scenario #2:  The Wedding “Invitation”? Duh - Huh?

A distant relative of your husband’s is getting married. How wonderful for them! Great news! Congratulations!  Please, share their joy! And you do.  When invitation time comes round, your mother-in-law receives one invitation for your father-in-law and herself… and…. all six of their adult children, their spouses (you included) and their young families who just happen to live in at least three different regions of the good old USA!  Huh?!   In response you…

(a) RSVP an enthusiastic “yes” to the alleged invitation and decide to go.  She must be an incredibly frugal bride who wanted to save on stationary and postage so as to conduct spectacular nuptials that you just shouldn’t miss.

(b) Have your mother-in-law politely respond “with regrets” on your behalf and send a card and/or gift. After all, the sweet child was just so caught up in preparing the biggest day of her life that she forgot that each couple should get their own invitation.   Poor dear.

(c) Ignore it. If the bitch wanted anyone of those people there, she would have bothered to get their addresses and invited them individually. No gift, no card, no acknowledgement of marriage. Screw her.

Scenario #3: The Christmas Dinner Party & the Traffic Jam

You have one child and are thirty-five weeks pregnant with your second.  It is Christmas and since you do not feel comfortable going out of town to visit your husband’s family this late in the pregnancy due to complications, and your husband’s family does not wish to travel on a holiday proper, you invite them all down for a dinner party the day after Christmas Day.  They respond with an emphatic yes.  You spend hours upon hours planning and preparing between bouts of severe heartburn and back pain, you decorate to perfection, you purchase new holiday dishes and print up lovely place cards to boot. Come the day after Christmas everything is just perfect except … all of the guests, short of your husband’s parents, get stuck in about one half hour’s worth of traffic and instead of calling to say that they’ll be late, they call to say that they’re NOT COMING! How’s that sit with you?   In planning future holidays you…

(a) Always make a point of inviting them. After all, they missed that dinner party by no fault of their own and damn it, you want them to enjoy one of your fabulous holiday meals!  They so deserve it since they’ll have to drive so long (all of a couple of hours).

(b) Exclude your husband’s family altogether. You refuse to ever spend another minute of your time cooking for those ungrateful ingrates again.

(c) Decide that whatever the circumstances you simply must pack up the SUV, rope in the kiddies and travel to their place on holidays to soak in their greatness.

Scenario #4: The Baptism

Another relative of your husband’s is baptizing a baby. How sweet. Simply adorable child of God to be!  Awhhhhh!  The daddy tells your husband that you all should come.  The mommy sends an email (or so rumor has it) to your mother-in-law inviting your in laws and, yup, you guessed it, all of their adult children in the area, again! Ha!  This is just getting too entertaining, isn’t it?!  Kudos to her. I don’t have time to even come up with options for you all to respond with… surprise me!

Happy Monday, to one and all!