Inevitable Misunderstandings

Thanksgiving not far behind and the magical month of December quickly closing in upon us, it stands to reason that we should stop and meander a bit in the realm of the lovely and most entertaining world of what I will call, for lack of a kinder term, “Inevitable Misunderstandings”.   This misnomer of sorts is about the only title which I could possibly think of in my “having-eaten-way-too-much-over-the-weekend- now-dying- and-five-pounds-heftier-Monday” mode.  In fact, it’s taken me just about all day long to come up with this one. I have been seriously tempted to post under the guise of a more vulgar and certainly less diplomatic heading.

Let me make my point before I lose it completely. 

Holidays are a time for people, whether you are a people person or not. They’re a time for families (both biological and chosen) and for spending hours reveling in the company of those we love and those who (hopefully) love us.  The more the merrier is the maxim that floats freely on the lips of one and all as we flit about wishing each other and the world good tidings of peace and happiness. Aaaaah! The Holidays have begun. Get a fire going in the hearth and pour me a cup of cheer!

However, wherever and whenever families gather to celebrate the holidays, we must remember, “Inevitable Misunderstandings” are bound to ensue. Somehow, I always seem to forget about these inhospitable guests and the vortex into which they drag the hostess unawares. Perhaps it’s because I am such an optimist (insert sarcastic laugh here) or because I am simply an individual who holds hope in high esteem, but somehow those “Inevitable Misunderstandings” manage to take me by surprise every time, knocking the wind out of my sails and leaving me standing in the middle of the kitchen hands braced on the island (so as not to choke the living crap out of anyone), thinking “what the hell was that all about?!”

For those of you who are still too full from the holiday weekend to think or whose brains have lapsed into a tryptophan coma from too much turkey, let me translate my fancy pants linguistics.  Holidays = family = someone always manages to find a way to piss me off! Hence, the misnomer, because the events in question are neither the result of misunderstanding nor inevitable! In fact, they are, for the most part, clearly calculated, loaded and completely avoidable, either by people simply minding their own freaking business and keeping their traps shut or by me NOT inviting them to begin with! (Psst… if you haven’t figured it out yet, this is a rant post!)

All in all we had a wonderful first ever thanksgiving Turkey fest in the Hubby and mommykelly household.  It was fabulous as a matter of fact!  Here’s a picture of my first turkey! 

We are so proud! The secret to keeping my cool while roasting my bird?… Malibu Baybreezes, Bacardi Mojitos, and Absolut Cranberry Smashes, of course.  Somehow staying buzzed the entire weekend helped me ignore the buzz.  I think that drinking is going to become my new favorite pastime, as it kept me out of trouble and pretty much not giving a damn for the good part of four days! Ha!

But just because I am a bit of a witch I will leave you with a list of FIVE SUREFIRE WAYS TO PISS OFF YOUR THANKSGIVING WEEKEND HOSTESS!

(1)   Prime her morning Thanksgiving preparations with a direct insult. Something like this should do: tell her that she and her husband shouldn’t bicker as they are trying (with some difficulty) to stuff a twenty pound buttered turkey. When her Hubby mentions that it’s just how they communicate, tell them point blank not to communicate that way in front of you in their OWN HOME. That will get the “pissing off” going in the best of ways… be a dear and pop open the first Bacardi Mojito for the hostess here at 9:45AM. 

(2) Continue to baste the roasting with a bragging session about your daughter and her husband and about how calm, relaxed and “cute” they are while preparing for their thanksgiving guests.  Whatever you do, do not stop talking, even if your hostess ignores you busied with last minute preparations. In fact, the more she ignores you, the more you need to add to the description of this lovely couple in which the hostess has absolutely no interest. She must listen to you. After all, everyone should be as boring as your daughter and her husband are as a couple.  Pour her another Baybreeze here… no wait, make that two. 

(3)   Be sure to attempt to eat all the leftovers off of every dish you clear from the Thanksgiving dinner table.   Do not forget to remind your hostess that she shouldn’t throw anything away, as she has no dog and the food that someone else has eaten off of is perfectly fair game. Do not neglect to continue this habit for the entire weekend, making sure that no rotting fruit left on the children’s breakfast plates sees the inside of the garbage can. No, those half eaten oxidizing banana slices or harden slices of Clementine oranges should not be thrown out!  Insert a glass of wine here for the hostess.  

(4)   Offer to haul the turkey carcass with you on your bus trip home to another state so that you can make the soup that your hostess refuses to as she dumps it into the trash. Make sure she understands that you do not approve of this under any circumstances, and that you are sure that your daughter’s turkey carcass will be waiting at home for you anyway. 

(5a) Whatever you do, do not forget to engage in petty gossip as much as humanly possibly.  Do things like demonstrate your skill at criticizing first time mothers and their liberal use of a pacifier with colicky children.  Let her know, once again, that you and your daughter do not approve of such things and that they are just wrong. Get her wondering about just what you might be thinking about how she raises her own children.  Pour her a double Absolute Smash and give her a huge pat on the back for being such a great hostess.

(5b)Repeat steps one through five in her thoughts for the good part of four days.

Ahh, now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, feel free to do your own ranting on this page.  Tell me, how many of you savored some crow side dishes with their turkey dinner leftovers this year?!