***** Warning: this post is fueled by some very potent pregnancy hormones

and may be inappropriate for some readers.

Reader’s discretion advised ***** 

It won’t be long now before the absolutely ludicrous pregnancy discussions and questions come rolling in.  As soon as the belly pops (it already has since after two surgeries I have no abdominal muscle left to speak of) and it is obvious that it’s all about another living being, I know that I can expect people, especially people in certain circles, to start talking crap about everything pregnant and baby including - if not exclusively consisting of - those matters which are completely NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS! I assure you, these are topics of discussion which have actually been addressed to me numerous times over the course of previous pregnancies and have pissed me off enough to warrant a post.  Some of the more entertaining discussions include:

Potential Baby Names: Hello people! I really couldn’t care less what you think I should or should not name my child!  A name is a destiny, something one carries for a lifetime.  Trust that I know how to choose an appropriate one for my child and leave it at that.  Should you not be able to trust me with that decision, it doesn’t matter! You have no input whatsoever! Your vote doesn’t count! If it did, I’d ask you.

Preeclampsia & Me:  for the umpteenth time I will explain to you hard-headed assholes:  PREECLAMPSIA IS NOT DUE TO ANYTHING I DO! I CANNOT PREVENT IT! IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY TEMPER! NEITHER I NOR THE DOCTORS CAN CONTROL IT! DO SOME RESEARCH BEFORE YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH, OR BETTER YET, JUST SHUT UP ENTIRELY BECAUSE YOU ARE SERIOUSLY PISSING ME OFF WITH YOUR IGNORANT BABBLING…. But you knew that anyway, didn’t you?!

Breastfeeding My Infants: No folks, I do not breastfeed my children. Why? Well that’s my business and mine alone. They are my breasts, my kids, hence it is my decision. I AM NOT required to provide you with an explanation as to why I choose not to do so. So don’t even ask. I have my reasons and they are good. They are just none of your concern. So please, do me a favor and stop dropping hints and/or bringing up discussions about nursing in front of me for my benefit or in order to make certain that I have understood fully your opinion on the matter. I know where you stand on the matter and, quite frankly, I really don’t care where you stand, as long as you stand far, far from me!

Vagina Birth after Cesarean Section: I am fully aware that for some people, attempting a vagina delivery after having had a C-section is perfectly feasible and safe.  For me, it is not. Stop bringing up stories about this person or that who had four or five of them after a C-Section, etc.  It is not possible for me for reasons which fall within the realm of Doctor/Patient confidentiality and are completely between me, God and my womb which has never been through labor! No, my OB/GYN is NOT a conspirator looking to make money off of unnecessary C-sections or to generate revenue for the local community hospital. He is not some quack practicing in Hicksville where he has to do things like that to make a living. He has a thriving practice and would rather not busy himself with one more C-Section just for the money. In addition to these facts, I am neither taking the “easy” way out, nor opting for a third section so that I can preserve my vagina intact for fabulous sex and continence.

Birthing without Meds: On this matter, to those of you men who even dare to start a discussion on the hypothetical religious reasons (or any other reasons whatsoever) that a woman should not use various medications or methods of pain relief during childbirth, I have just three things to say:  NO WOMB. NO VAGINA. NO OPINION! Your arguments are completely ridiculous not to mention totally inappropriate. If you don’t know what it feels like, then just shut the hell up about it already! I have never really had to make a choice about it myself, as pain relief is an absolute, given that all my deliveries are C-Sections (aka major abdominal surgery –which by the way, they do with the patient completely conscious) and require the doctors to severe SEVEN layers of tissue, muscle, etc… to get to the baby. However, despite the fact that I have never had to choose pain relief, I nonetheless grow quickly weary of your insane suggestions that women should “birth their children in the God-mandated pain as quoted in the Bible during Adam & Eve’s ousting from the Garden of Eden.”  (Yes, you are reading correctly, I have indeed heard men have this discussion!!!!!!!!!)  Guys, drop it. You have no idea of what you speak!

Now unless you genuinely enjoy crossing a pregnant, nauseated, way hormonal woman on any of these subjects, and unless you are willing to deal with one highly irked mommy-to-be, I suggest that in my presence you stick to safe topics like the weather and how amazing my kids are.

Seriously, people! Drop It!